War in the Head

There's just so much fear in me at this moment in time. The fact that I want it to go well, the fact that I don't want to have another screwed up episode of my life, it's just making me be very cautious about every step that I make. And this overly-cautious emotion of mine is taking over each day. That's bad.

When I'm faced with bad days, I just think "something bad is bound to happen." I am never really that optimistic, I am actually very contrasting to what I seem to be on the outside.

One thing about me that is good/bad is that I force smiles. I know that my smiles are sincere, but sometimes I really force myself to smile, or even laugh. Genuine laughs are kind of obvious (that's when I seem to be hyperventilating). Forced smiles, it's been happening a lot. I know that I am happy with this life I'm having now, but inside, I'm having a very big emotional war. I'm arguing with myself in the head every single time I'm deciding something. That's when I end up having a headache, or just not doing anything at all.

I keep running away from what's happening inside my head. Every single conflict that me and I meet, I run away. I just don't want to face it.

The difficulty of adapting to this lifestyle is really harder than I thought. Or maybe, I don't know. I don't even really know what lifestyle I'm leading, or what I used to lead. If only the years before were so organised like the schedule in my notebook. I don't think my life will be in such a mess like how it is now.

I don't want to be scared like this anymore. I really don't want to be.

If only you knew...


Love,
Me.