War in the Head

There's just so much fear in me at this moment in time. The fact that I want it to go well, the fact that I don't want to have another screwed up episode of my life, it's just making me be very cautious about every step that I make. And this overly-cautious emotion of mine is taking over each day. That's bad.

When I'm faced with bad days, I just think "something bad is bound to happen." I am never really that optimistic, I am actually very contrasting to what I seem to be on the outside.

One thing about me that is good/bad is that I force smiles. I know that my smiles are sincere, but sometimes I really force myself to smile, or even laugh. Genuine laughs are kind of obvious (that's when I seem to be hyperventilating). Forced smiles, it's been happening a lot. I know that I am happy with this life I'm having now, but inside, I'm having a very big emotional war. I'm arguing with myself in the head every single time I'm deciding something. That's when I end up having a headache, or just not doing anything at all.

I keep running away from what's happening inside my head. Every single conflict that me and I meet, I run away. I just don't want to face it.

The difficulty of adapting to this lifestyle is really harder than I thought. Or maybe, I don't know. I don't even really know what lifestyle I'm leading, or what I used to lead. If only the years before were so organised like the schedule in my notebook. I don't think my life will be in such a mess like how it is now.

I don't want to be scared like this anymore. I really don't want to be.

If only you knew...


Love,
Me.

raise the standard

Today was one of those days that I could really, really, really think. I was out early(11am with nobody rushing me to go out is kind of early) and headed to town. Took my time walking to do what I needed to do, and was done in just 5 minutes. I told myself not to walk indoors if possible because I wanted to soak up the sun as much as I could. I love the sun THAT much. I told myself not to listen to the music either, just to listen to the hustle of life around town.

Sitting on the steps just staring into the not-so-open river, it just felt as if I haven't done that in a really long time. Sitting on a bench, looking up towards the buildings, I wonder if anybody is as weird as I am.

I realise that since the last time I did something like that, my self-esteem level has plunged down. It might appear as though I am happier now, which I really believe I am. I guess happiness and self esteem has got 2 different meanings.

I really know that I am happier now. I am much closer to my girlfriends now, I can just pick up the phone and say, "I'm hungry" without them getting irritated at me. (okay just not too often.) I can go out whenever I want, reasonably of course. I don't have exams to worry about anymore too! Ultimately, it's the closeness I have with my mother now which really enhances my true happiness inside. It has been my wish to have my mother as my best friend, which is who she is right now. (:

I thought about all the things that she have said, all the knowledge that she has imparted on me. It carves who I am today. The girl who has so much expectations in life.

What really matters in someone that will really click with me is actually the kind of thinking they have. The mindset, their goals in life. Once I meet someone who has got similar thinking like mine, I am totally into that person. I somehow don't find it often to meet someone who enjoys looking at places like I do. Admiring the beauty of anything and everything.

Oh please bring me to The Interlace's show house...
http://www.theinterlacecondo.com/


Well, it's now time to catch up with the old old friends that I've been saying, "we'll meet up after I'm done with exams!" I got to live up to my word for this.

And, I'm not allowing myself to go on a crash diet. It is just not healthy, considering the amount of "strenous" activites that I do daily. Eating is good, food is best, I must continue eating.



Love,
Me