A giant leap of faith

After leaving this empty, I finally do feel like writing.

In the midst of studying for the long awaited examinations, I am getting distracted. Distracted by a lot of things that has been happening in my life.

The biggest thing that I am doing is actually to stay away from home. To stay in school, because that's where my heart/brain/body/soul is for the past week and until end of next week. Concentrate, Hana. Concentrate.

It's starting to feel like a game. I feel better each day knowing that I have been studying. In my whole life, what have I been doing? Never did I touch any revision papers, re-reading textbooks, or even staying up past midnight to do any academic-related work. Never in my 18 years of life. Not even my first semester in school. That I screwed up.

I know that I don't want that to happen again, thus this arrangement. Sleeping at 3am, waking up at 10am. Studying all morning and night and morning again. It feels good, especially that I have made friends, in my own school.

I don't think I was born to be a loner. I have always been with someone in my whole life, especially due to how attached I am to my family. Slowly, I opened up to people and I found it really easy to make friends. I like to talk, and talk, and talk. But me not having a lot of close friends must have been due to the fact that my family moves about very often. I've never stayed put in one house for more than 5 years. I find it pretty sad, but I am all grown up now.

My girls. It has been 6 years now. I've moved a lot, I've got involved in a lot of things, but they are always, always there for me. Through my physical change, and even emotional change. They watched me grow. There were a few times that we weren't close. I do feel that it was the down side of my life. Not having a girl to talk to is just.... lonely.

Of course, all my girls have got their own life too. Everyone has got their other halves. I'm glad that my girls are happy with their other halves. Our perfect family portrait has always been changing. Mostly because of me.

I haven't found someone, who would be willing to stay with me, put up with me, for as long as it takes. It just seems so hard to meet someone who is close to what I imagine him to be. I know I can't find the perfect man, but someone close to it would be nice. Maybe that's why I go on dates a lot. Heh.

One thing's for sure. I've learnt how to know more about a person before committing myself.

Unfortunately, due to my previous wrecked relationship, I do have certain phobias. That's something that I need to overcome.


I just hope people won't judge me..


<3,
Me.