War in the Head

There's just so much fear in me at this moment in time. The fact that I want it to go well, the fact that I don't want to have another screwed up episode of my life, it's just making me be very cautious about every step that I make. And this overly-cautious emotion of mine is taking over each day. That's bad.

When I'm faced with bad days, I just think "something bad is bound to happen." I am never really that optimistic, I am actually very contrasting to what I seem to be on the outside.

One thing about me that is good/bad is that I force smiles. I know that my smiles are sincere, but sometimes I really force myself to smile, or even laugh. Genuine laughs are kind of obvious (that's when I seem to be hyperventilating). Forced smiles, it's been happening a lot. I know that I am happy with this life I'm having now, but inside, I'm having a very big emotional war. I'm arguing with myself in the head every single time I'm deciding something. That's when I end up having a headache, or just not doing anything at all.

I keep running away from what's happening inside my head. Every single conflict that me and I meet, I run away. I just don't want to face it.

The difficulty of adapting to this lifestyle is really harder than I thought. Or maybe, I don't know. I don't even really know what lifestyle I'm leading, or what I used to lead. If only the years before were so organised like the schedule in my notebook. I don't think my life will be in such a mess like how it is now.

I don't want to be scared like this anymore. I really don't want to be.

If only you knew...


Love,
Me.

raise the standard

Today was one of those days that I could really, really, really think. I was out early(11am with nobody rushing me to go out is kind of early) and headed to town. Took my time walking to do what I needed to do, and was done in just 5 minutes. I told myself not to walk indoors if possible because I wanted to soak up the sun as much as I could. I love the sun THAT much. I told myself not to listen to the music either, just to listen to the hustle of life around town.

Sitting on the steps just staring into the not-so-open river, it just felt as if I haven't done that in a really long time. Sitting on a bench, looking up towards the buildings, I wonder if anybody is as weird as I am.

I realise that since the last time I did something like that, my self-esteem level has plunged down. It might appear as though I am happier now, which I really believe I am. I guess happiness and self esteem has got 2 different meanings.

I really know that I am happier now. I am much closer to my girlfriends now, I can just pick up the phone and say, "I'm hungry" without them getting irritated at me. (okay just not too often.) I can go out whenever I want, reasonably of course. I don't have exams to worry about anymore too! Ultimately, it's the closeness I have with my mother now which really enhances my true happiness inside. It has been my wish to have my mother as my best friend, which is who she is right now. (:

I thought about all the things that she have said, all the knowledge that she has imparted on me. It carves who I am today. The girl who has so much expectations in life.

What really matters in someone that will really click with me is actually the kind of thinking they have. The mindset, their goals in life. Once I meet someone who has got similar thinking like mine, I am totally into that person. I somehow don't find it often to meet someone who enjoys looking at places like I do. Admiring the beauty of anything and everything.

Oh please bring me to The Interlace's show house...
http://www.theinterlacecondo.com/


Well, it's now time to catch up with the old old friends that I've been saying, "we'll meet up after I'm done with exams!" I got to live up to my word for this.

And, I'm not allowing myself to go on a crash diet. It is just not healthy, considering the amount of "strenous" activites that I do daily. Eating is good, food is best, I must continue eating.



Love,
Me

A giant leap of faith

After leaving this empty, I finally do feel like writing.

In the midst of studying for the long awaited examinations, I am getting distracted. Distracted by a lot of things that has been happening in my life.

The biggest thing that I am doing is actually to stay away from home. To stay in school, because that's where my heart/brain/body/soul is for the past week and until end of next week. Concentrate, Hana. Concentrate.

It's starting to feel like a game. I feel better each day knowing that I have been studying. In my whole life, what have I been doing? Never did I touch any revision papers, re-reading textbooks, or even staying up past midnight to do any academic-related work. Never in my 18 years of life. Not even my first semester in school. That I screwed up.

I know that I don't want that to happen again, thus this arrangement. Sleeping at 3am, waking up at 10am. Studying all morning and night and morning again. It feels good, especially that I have made friends, in my own school.

I don't think I was born to be a loner. I have always been with someone in my whole life, especially due to how attached I am to my family. Slowly, I opened up to people and I found it really easy to make friends. I like to talk, and talk, and talk. But me not having a lot of close friends must have been due to the fact that my family moves about very often. I've never stayed put in one house for more than 5 years. I find it pretty sad, but I am all grown up now.

My girls. It has been 6 years now. I've moved a lot, I've got involved in a lot of things, but they are always, always there for me. Through my physical change, and even emotional change. They watched me grow. There were a few times that we weren't close. I do feel that it was the down side of my life. Not having a girl to talk to is just.... lonely.

Of course, all my girls have got their own life too. Everyone has got their other halves. I'm glad that my girls are happy with their other halves. Our perfect family portrait has always been changing. Mostly because of me.

I haven't found someone, who would be willing to stay with me, put up with me, for as long as it takes. It just seems so hard to meet someone who is close to what I imagine him to be. I know I can't find the perfect man, but someone close to it would be nice. Maybe that's why I go on dates a lot. Heh.

One thing's for sure. I've learnt how to know more about a person before committing myself.

Unfortunately, due to my previous wrecked relationship, I do have certain phobias. That's something that I need to overcome.


I just hope people won't judge me..


<3,
Me.

-

Life is unexpected. Just like me.

Late Realisation

It took me a while to finally realise what is going on in my life.

It's nothing that I have ever expected, it's nothing I ever wanted to happen. Working, studying, and still making time to do what I love: getting involved. If there were more hours of the day, I'd probably take the time to work more. Get myself a full McD meal instead of just the burger.

I'm sure it will get better in time to come.

Another thing I realised: how my life has changed for the past few months. My top priority has always been my family, no matter what. Right now, it is not in the best state, so it is best for me to be by myself. It won't trouble anyone, it won't bring anyone any burden.

Also, I found the reason why I'm such a loner. And why I sometimes can't find the right frequency with the right people.
The reason shall not be disclosed.

I am fortunate to have met new people. It just changed my view of a certain group of people. And realise that some people are really different. Okay, I have yet to find out more. There are more times to come. =)



Love,
Me.

Not what I wanted

It has come to the point that I really have to watch what I say, and to think before I actually say it. To prevent anyone to get hurt, to prevent anything wrong from happening. It's not what I was looking for.

Maybe I am just not ready for this. I am too caught up with myself(and everybody else) to really care about only one person. I keep telling myself that I just need time for myself but think again, how much time do I really need? Is it really only time that will cure this? Some effort needs to be put in as well. But what kind of effort? It's just so hard to decipher.

I've always thought that I was living for other people, and not for myself. I've been working for other people, not myself. Maybe that's why I don't do well in school. Cause I know that school is for myself. Is that really what I want?

Gah.

2010

It's a whole new year, a whole new decade.

Let's sum up 2009, shall we?

January - Final month in Winnipeg
February - Return home, settling issues
March - Career Fair job.
April - Starting working at Propnex as PA.
June - Continued working. Bought the house.
July - Last month of working
August - School started. Hostel, tuition.
September - More tuition, more school. New house.
October - School school school.
November - Probably the best/worst month of the year. (details mentioned in previous posts)
December - Gift Wrapping job.

I just realised that I barely had 4 months of school. I need more school to get myself to think that I am an undergraduate. Can't believe it's taking me so long to register that fact in my brain. =x


It's 2010 now. What's different?

Significantly, it's the other half.

I feel the difference. It's big. And I think it's good. No, better. No, BEST. My way of life is changed, my thinking has changed. Maybe not so much. But I think this is how I really can catch my dreams. Work hard, play hard towards my goal. To what I really want.

I've always been good at shaping my future and making plans, but never really to put it into action. That has got to change. What happened to my nicely planned idea of setting up a skiing team and representing Singapore for Winter Olympics? I think I'll name this idea as the biggest failure in my life if I did nothing significant to make my dream come true.

School's starting next week. I vow that I will attend classes, and actually do my tutorials diligently. Stop texting/msning during lectures cause they're all a distraction. Concentrate, because I seriously need to bring up my GPA.

You can do it Hana!


On the other hand, I've got my girls! Tell me, when was the last time I really felt this way about my girlfriends? Cause all I remember doing half of 2008 and whole of 2009 was just crying, "why don't they share things with me? what happened? why don't i have girl friends?" Tell me that moment is all over.

It's a whole new Hana now. Maybe not so new, it's just the Hana that has came back from the long ago past. Being involved in activities do you good!


And there's him. (:


Okay there's too much information in this post.


Love,
Me.

Open the Mind

I am liking the direction of my life. Though it gets lonely at times, I think I'm used to it. I've never been a person who has many friends and go out a lot. I was always the lone girl without any friends and crying in one corner. However as time pass by, I learn to like who I am. I learn to distract myself and find out what I really like to do in life.

Currently, I'm liking work. Working from morning till night, it's good to have something to fill my time. I've read somewhere that some people complain that they have no life cause they work a lot, and have other things at night too. Why is that no life? Isn't that life? Life is doing what you have to do and to make it really enjoyable. I guess an individual really have to know how to make the best out of life.

As for me, I have learned to balance my life. Work work work, I do need to meet up with my friends. Last night was awesome. I finally ate a proper meal, and watched my first M18 movie after I turned 18, followed by eating my favourite ice cream. On top of that, it was all with my love. :)

Nobody has given me the feeling that he is giving me. It's so special that I can't explain it in words. I am being who I am, and he is loving me for who I am. I don't need to change (at least not yet) who I am for him to like me. He's the best. And as days pass, I love him more and more. =)


Moving on... Christmas is around the corner! Shopping shopping shopping! I really feel the joy of giving. It's the second time that I really am celebrating Christmas (in a sense that I'm giving away presents). Lovely presents. I'm done with shopping for overseas friends! Yes! So after I'm done sending them out, I've got to look for presents for the locals now. I really have got no idea what to give, but walking around malls will definitely give me an idea.


Love,
Me.

P.S.: Remind me that I'm 18.

An Angel in My Life

I've been in and out of jobs since my first job in 2007. Fortunately, I don't regret any of my actions even a little bit. Most of my jobs were my own choice, and I quit of my own free will too. I guess, it's because my main concern of having a job wasn't about the money. I always believed that the money earned is just a plus point. The most important thing about having a job, part time job to be exact, is to gain the experience and to find out what kind of career path you want to take in the future. Apart from that, is to fill up your time instead of hanging around doing nothing. =)

After 2 years of working here and there, I know for sure that I want to work with people. I can't stand data entry, I need to be outside running around. I don't mind office work, as long as I get to meet clients, like how I worked as a PA for a house agent. It was really nice.

I still have a lot more to learn, a lot more to find out. It doesn't matter if I get through a job interview or not, always have the mindset of, "it's okay. it's not my loss." There are tons of other jobs out there and one day, I know I will settle down with one I really like.


That aside, I know it is crucial to have fun in whatever I do, so that I don't end up hating it and my time will just fly by.


Actually, sharing about my work experiences has got its link with something else rather important in my life. Like being in and out of jobs, I was in and out of relationships. Not as much as in and out of jobs, of course. Similarly, I take the opportunity to know new people and to gain experiences with them. So that I know what I really want in my life. So that I know what kind of person I would like to be with.


You. You have been so wonderful to me. Apart from the fact that you're the only tall guy that I've 'dated' before, you're just great. Never in my life have I met someone like you. It has only been 2 weeks since I met you, and I've found out a lot about you already. I know there's a lot more for me to know, but I am really liking what I'm hearing thus far. It is important that whatever you tell me comes from the heart, and I see that you are true. (:

I am really liking the way you think, especially because it doesn't clash with mine. I also like that you're secretive to a certain extent, but you take risks when needed. You give me the freedom that I've always wanted but at the same time you assure me that I have someone to fall back on. You just give me the perfect mix. It's a wonderful feeling.

I'm so full of praises for you, and I'm writing them on the net! :D

I believe that we will go far together as friends, and more than friends later in the near future. I am really looking forward to seeing you again! And you can pick me and twirl me around again too. =)



Love,
Me.

Another year older; Another year wiser

Finally 18.

This year is exceptionally different. This is the age that I've been looking forward to for a long time, the age that I'd love to be in for a long time. To be considered as an adult (in some instances if not 21), to be given the freedom in the hands of the law, to be able to watch M18 movies, to enrol for my long awaited car license, and unfortunately, to pay adult price for everything else.

Falling on the first day of exam, and going through a breakup, not the best situation to be celebrating my birthday.

Point is, the day is long gone.


When the clock strikes midnight on 19th November, it felt as though I'm living a new life. I feel I'm no longer being dragged through life; I feel that I can finally act my age. Living life to the fullest, as they say.


Getting out of a 5 year relationship at the current moment seems to be the most responsible action that I have done. I am sorry if you are reading this. But I do feel more of myself right now. For the past few months, I've wanted to get my life on track. With you in my life, I didn't know what track I was one. Which track I should take. Because I always had to think of you, and not of myself. Nothing I did was for only me. At least, I thought so.

It isn't easy to go to higher education, with all the pressure and the costs it take. Tuition fees, daily expenses, heavy debts. Not really something that is easy for a then 17-year-old.



It has been a week since an event which I really met people. Felt like a camp, since the last camp I went to was almost 2 years ago. A seminar to teach people how to have a millionaire mind. Haha. It was nice to get to know more people that I worked with. After years of feeling pushed into the dark, I finally felt like I was someone. Instead of that timid girl afraid of talking.

Meeting people of all walks of life. It makes me realise how much I have missed in my life. All the fun and laughter that I've missed. Through the massive life changing activities. I don't regret my actions that make me where I am right now, just that I feel lucky that I haven't went too far. I can still re-enact what should have happened. (:


Before I leave another blog post hanging (I started this post 2 hours ago and stopped typing), I shall stop here and continue another time.


(:


Love,
Me.

Blogging.

It has been more than 2 years since I last blogged. Since then, I knew that I have completely changed. For the better? For the worst? I hope starting anew helps. I hope expressing my thought and feelings; penning them down will contribute to the arrangement of my thoughts that are currently messed up. Also to improve my lack of language skills, to digress.


Opinions on blogging:

In my opinion, there are more advantages than disadvantages in blogging. It is a platform to express my thoughts, and hopefully get a decent comment. In my current situation, I strongly feel that my posts will be limited, due to the lack of time. And to not get carried away with this "online diary", I will set goals and ethical reasons as to why I am doing this.

1. To let my thoughts run freely --> to settle the arguments in my head
2. ....

I really can't think of anymore.
However I do beg of the people out there reading this, to read my posts with an open mind. Before judging or criticizing my words, think deeper into the whole situation.


Thank you.